An Ode to Spring

Those of you in the carguy world will already have seen this. The following is taken from an ad that appeared in most major automotive magazines courtesy of Mother’s Car Polish. Given the gearhead fantasy of the spotless and shiny ride glistening in the sun, we certainly welcome the coming of spring, but it isn’t without its drawbacks.

Granted, we in the automotive community will happily take the downsides of spring over the rigors of winter any day, but now that those cool wheels are out of hibernation we want to keep them looking their absolute best. So the people at Mother’s ran this ad and it’s too funny (and true) not to share.

“We Love you, NOT”

Dear Flower, you stink

You make us sneeze and our eyes water

You cost us a small fortune every time we get in hot water with the ladies in our lives

But your most heinous crime?

Pollen.

That disgusting layer of abrasive, yellow dust you spew on our cars

Day after day, seemingly without end

Well, sleep with one eye open my pretty

You may soon be on the lapel of a rental tux

A baby blue one with a ruffled shirt

Or shredded into potpourri in a bowl

In a pink bathroom

With a nice view of the toilet

What a grand way to go.

Because cars deserve better…like Mother’s Car Polish.

 

Maybe one day Mother’s will invent a car polish that actually repels pollen, but personally I’m hoping for a more lofty goal. I can handle pollen, because with a quick rinse its pretty much history, and it can proceed to the soil and other growth where it was intended to go in the first place. Give me something from the chemical world to put an end to bug guts.

I have long said the most powerful glue in the world must be made of bug guts, because there is no substance that sticks to the paint of a car with more tenacity than a smashed bug. Granted, I’m quite sure if I met my demise in a blatant 70 mph impact my inner workings could create a stain that would require scrubbing. Of course my sheer size and girth would equal a swarm of bugs of staggering proportion, but then again if I were over run by an ocean-going container ship my mark by scale would be equally miniscule.

In the final analysis, I’m good with the flowers and the pollen they produce, but the insect delivery system they rely on I’ve got some strong issues with. So Mother’s Car Polish, I beg of you to hear my plea; give the pollen a rest and provide me something to make the bugs tremble in their exoskeletons. Give me a polish that will make bugs swerve their flight path in dread fear of bouncing off my car’s slick front fascia.

Insect Terminator Polish…Arnold would be proud.

TerminatorWax

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